Symptoms gone?

It was Sunday morning, on Christmas Eve Eve when I woke up and panicked. I no longer had sore tata's and they felt like they were back to normal size. I immediately knew that I was going to miscarry because this was exactly what happened the last time before I started spotting, then bleeding. So, as Ryan continued to sleep, I went into the living room and sat in the recliner with a blank stare with the muted tv on. I sat completely still for about an hour until I walked back into the bedroom to tell Ryan what I thought was happening and how I was no longer sore. He tried to comfort me and tell me it would be okay, but I couldn't accept his gift of comfort.
I later walked back into the living room and sat on the couch for 4 hours, with a blank stare, not even paying attention to what was on tv. After noon time, I decided to call my mom and tell her about it along with our purchase of a new water heater and carpet damage from the night before. She also tried to tell me that it would be okay. I didn't believe her.
An hour passed, again, and mom called back. She had done some research on the internet. I was too afraid to look on the internet. Mom found many sites where women had a loss of symptoms due to all the hormone changes and continued on to have a healthy baby. I also had to keep in mind that I didn't have any spotting yet either. As the day progressed and I still didn't have spotting, I started to feel a little bit more safe, but I never let my guard down. After mom did that research, that made me feel okay enough to actually get up and have a snack for lunch (this was 4pm).
Throughout the day, I was cautious, fearful, and depressed, yet hopeful. I was in fear every time I went to the bathroom. I feared that I'd see red on the toilet paper.
But, I made it through the day, no spotting and a new water heater. So, moral of the story is that stress had a HUGE affect on my body that day.

Blah!

Today is Thursday, December 21st, 2007. I am 7 weeks and one day. I have begun to get really tired every afternoon around 2p. It is really hard on me the days I work because I have to contain my tiredness and crankiness. But, the days that I'm off, I take about a 45 minute nap and then I'm perfect. But, honestly, the amount of tiredness I experience is almost to the point of feeling drunk and/or passing out.
Food tastes like BLAH. Nothing tastes the same. A few days ago, I was able to eat normal portions. But, now I can only eat in small portions. My day goes like this: Breakfast (cereal), applesauce or graham crackers at about 10:30, lunch at about 12:30 (soup and apple today), nap at 2p, pretzels and a cookie at 3p, 6p I had a salad and some spaghetti. The meat and sauce didn't taste normal, so I mainly had saucy noodles and didn't eat the meat. The only foods that are always okay right now are pastas, breads, crackers, and cinnamon applesauce.
I've been freaking out because I have gained 2 lbs since the implantation. I guess thats not bad, but I can't help but think about some of my friends and my cousin that gain a pound in the whole first trimester. I'm really scared about this idea that I'm supposed to gain weight. I've spent my whole life fighting weight gain, but now I'm supposed to be okay with it, but only gain it in certain amounts each trimester. Thats a lot of pressure! When is one supposed to even start wearing maternity clothes? I have no clue. Is it the 3rd or 5th month?

One little bean!

Today was our ultrasound. I was particularly nervous as we began to walk up the steps to the front door of the doctor's office. Ryan tried to pinch my leg as he walked behind me, but I turned and yelled at him. He told me to quit being a grouch and I explained that I'm a bit stressed out at the moment!
First off, we found out that Dr. Bundren fell on the ice and broke his hip, so he is out until February. Thankfully the nurse is so knowledgeable and has been doing this for many years that she could do our ultrasound.
She faced the computer monitor toward us and Ryan stood up. We saw the first bean! She began to measure the length because it should measure around 11mm to be equivalent to 7 weeks. It was PERFECT...11mm on the dot and it had a flicker of a heart beat! I was still anxious because I didn't know if there was another one. Ryan asked, "So is there just one." She moved the probe all around and we didn't even see a spot where the other one ever was.
So, we are blessed with one little bean! I will be due 8-8-08 and my next ultrasound is January 8th.
At first I was kind of sad that it was only one because I just assumed the procedure would be perfect and I would have two since they implanted two. But, after thinking about it, I think God knew I couldn't handle two. I no longer have to worry about gaining a gazillion pounds. Although, I still need to watch myself even with one. I can potentially have a natural birth now. I don't have to get a double stroller and worry about fitting two babies in our 1560square foot house. I also don't have to worry about breast feeding two, giving my full attention to two plus a husband, and I could potentially still work part-time with only one baby!
I think that later on in life, we will get pregnant with #2 by accident/naturally! We'll pull a Richard and Carol Jo ("Oh hello baby Ryan James, meet your 1 year old sister Katie").
After the doctor appointment, I went to Target to get stocking stuffers. Along the way I picked up Sour Patch Kids, Cheez Wiz, Triscuits and M&M's to make cookies. Yesterday I bought pretzels and cranberry sauce. I think I need to have someone go with me to the grocery store so they can monitor my craving purchases.
Now that we saw a flicker of a heartbeat, I felt somewhat okay with actually turning my head to see the baby clothes isles. Prior to this date, I would specifically turn my head and not even look because I didn't want to get my hopes up or get upset. Today, I actually walked down one of the isles without fear. It was the isle of strollers. I noted that they only had single baby strollers. It really would've been a pain to pick out items for twins! I only stayed in that isle for about 10 seconds and then I proceeded back to my Christmas shopping. Maybe after about 12 weeks I'll be able to bring myself to purchase my first baby outfit....a Sooners shirt, of course!

6 1/2 Weeks- Not feeling "normal"

Well, I'm not actually throwing up and touching my toothbrush to my teeth does not instantly make me sick, but I don't feel normal. I feel clammy, as if I could get car sick or sea sick. No food "hits the spot." Actually, there isn't any food that just sounds great at any time. But, I do need to eat every few hours to make the clammy feeling go away. I have graham crackers and apple sauce at my work as my snacks. However, my lunch consisted of cheese hot dogs and an apple. Anything with cheese does sound good. I'm forcing myself to eat fruit. I have always LOVED fruit, but in addition to there not being the best selection of fruit in the winter, it also doesn't sound good right now. I think Chief ate half of my apple while at home for lunch. I have to keep in mind that pregnant women should only eat 300 more calories. I'm not sure what it is if I turn out to have twins!
Tomorrow is our doctor appointment to find out if we are having one or two!!! By the way, if it is twins, they won't be identical. They will be fraterna, which is basically just two kids, the same age that had separate sacs in the womb.

How we got to where we are now....pregnant!

Disclaimer: This blog includes details about medical procedures and personal situations. I am completely frank in this blog because it is my journal about this extremely emotional experience.

About 2 years ago we started trying to get pregnant. In the fall of 2006 I became pregnant and miscarried at 7 weeks. What's crazy about the miscarriage is that I went in to the doctor and demanded an ultrasound because I was bleeding. The doctor showed me the heartbeat and he said, "not to worry, there is a heartbeat and spotting can be normal. All is okay!" I left the doctor's office sobbing because I knew I was not okay and that "it" was not okay. I miscarried that evening.

In February 2007 we began all sorts of tests on Ryan and I. After all tests were completed, we were told, in the summer of 2007 that we would need to do IVF to get pregnant. Yes, we could keep trying, hoping that we would get pregnant while we are still young...

Throughout the summer we did our research on clinics for IVF. In September we met with a doctor here that practices IVF out of a clinic in OKC. He is the clinic's doctor that meets the Tulsa needs. I also spoke to two other couples that I came across through friends and family that just had the IVF procedure through this same doctor. Ironic, I thought!!! I loved being able to consult with real patients.

In September both of us began meds. In October and November, I began taking shots. I can't stand shots. I can't even look at them. Thankfully Ryan is a paramedic. Funny thing, I was getting one of my shots in the wrong area (too far on the back of my thigh) and so it burned and I screamed when getting that shot!!! Luckily, the nurse showed us a better place to give the shot where it didn't make me scream.

Throughout all the medical "stimulation" process I constantly worried that I was going to ovulate prior to the egg retrieval.

November 14th came FINALLY and I had 21 eggs that they retrieved. As soon as I woke up from the surgery, they had to give me pain meds through the iv because my ovaries were giving me shooting pains. I could not lay still. Ryan said the pain meds dropped my blood pressure to something like 90/55 for a few minutes. HA

After the retrieval, Ryan and I drove to Medicine Park, Oklahoma for a mini vacation in a cabin in the mountains. It was perfect, except I was too sore to do any hiking. We enjoyed my last glass of wine at the Wichita Winery, ate at Meers where they have the largest burgers, drove to the top of Mt. Scott and watched OU lose against Texas Tech.

The first two days after the retrieval were VERY painful. I had to drink 3 cans of V8 per day to keep from over stimulating. Every follicle that they retrieved an egg, later filled up with fluid, so it was like having 21 cysts. The fluid began to creep up my abdomen and pressed against my lungs. I was so swollen that I couldn't wear any of my jeans or regular pants. I had to sleep at an incline. I cried on the evening of the second night as we left dinner because it hurt to even walk. At one point the nurse told me it may not get better, especially if I did get pregnant. I thought to myself, I can't do this for 9 months.

Luckily, over the weekend, the 6lbs of fluid and the swelling went down. I was back to my normal self and size by the time the transfer day came.

I forgot to state that throughout the weekend we awaited a daily call from the nurse. She would tell us how the embryo's are developing. Throughout the course of time, we ended up with 8 embryos. On the day of transfer, we had 2 and none to freeze.

On November 19th, a Monday, we were thankful that the doctor told us "we had some of the best quality embryo's he's ever seen." The doctors transferred a grade "B & C" ebryo. I asked him what is the difference between an A and a B. He said that it is very rare to see a grade A embryo. So, that comforted us. Because to me, B's and C's were borderline failure when thinking about report cards! The actual transfer was easy. I was not put to sleep. All that happened was they shot saline water up me (and I had to ask the doctor, "What the heck is that?" because he didn't warn me). Then they inserted a straw like tool, with the embryos in it, and dropped the kids off in the uterus! Ryan was able to be in the procedure room to watch this. It was a very weird feeling to know that potentially, my kids, were in that straw!

After the transfer, I felt completely fine. I was no longer swollen, nor did I hurt, yet I had to be on bed rest for 3 days!!!!! That was horrible. I had to lay flat on my back for 2 days and then on the third day I could shower and sit/lay reclined. Might I add that right after the procedure, they made my hospital bed incline where my head was much lower than my feet. I was basically standing on my head! I guess the rumor is true, if you want to get pregnant, stand on your head after sex. While upside down, my back became out of whack, so that made the next 3 days miserable! Sometimes I would pretend I needed to go to the bathroom (and I would force myself) just so that I could get up and stretch my back while sitting on the toilet. I was not allowed to do anything else other than go to the bathroom. But, even going to the bathroom was scary because I could not strain. They didn't want me to strain the embryo's out of me. Sheesh, all that pressure on me to NOT do this, NOT do that or it could be my fault that it didn't work.

Also, on the day of transfer, we began daily progesterone shots. These shots were different than the other shots. This one was intramuscular. Every day, at 5:30, Ryan has to give me this shot in my hip/butt.

Finally, on the third day, I was able to incline and my back was 10x better. Although, that was the same day that we were supposed to go up to St. Andrew's church and set up for Thanksgiving with the family. To adjust to my situation, we had a chair, that reclined, brought up to the church. I sat and made pumpkin fluff from my chair while everyone else walked around and drank wine.

On Thanksgiving Day I walked....all day long! Don't ever think that bed rest is a good thing and that it would be wonderful because it's not. It's like being in jail and not being able to even move positions in that jail. It drove me nuts because I would see something in the house that needed to be done, yet I didn't want to keep bugging Ryan to do things for me. So, I had to grin and bear it when my OCD/cleaning tendencies kicked in.

Throughout the holiday and weekend, I stayed busy. I set up my Christmas decorations, watched the OU game and then it was Sunday. On Sunday I became very depressed. I had tears in my eyes many times throughout the day. I kept telling myself, and Ryan, that the IVF didn't work because my boobs weren't sore and I didn't feel any different.

I knew that when I was pregnant before (which resulted in a miscarriage) I at least had sore boobs by this time! But then, I also tried to remember that my previous pregnancy was a bad one.

Finally Wednesday came and that was the big PREGNANCY TEST day. I was mortified. Friends would ask me why I just didn't take a home pregnancy test prior to, but I was honestly too scared to see the results. I didn't want to be disappointed. The blood test was at 9am. All the other girls that went through the same IVF cycle with me were there too. We all said the same thing about not feeling any different. So, when I left the clinic I felt better about things since I wasn't the only one feeling that way. I also learned that all of them became depressed on Sunday too. I think it's because we were all on the same hormone injection schedule. HA (I forgot to mention that during the first few days of taking the Progesterone shots, I had horrible night sweats. They were so bad that I would wake up and change clothes because the others were soaked in sweat!).

The clock is ticking all throughout Wednesday. I am so scared to answer the phone, yet truly anxious. Throughout the day, my phone is receiving text messages and phone calls, but I don't know anything yet. My nurse told me she would call me after 2p.

At 1:30p my boss calls a meeting. I became stressed about that because I had planned to go run errands for work so that I didn't receive the phone call while at work. I didn't want to scream or cry at work. However, the meeting lasted past 2p and my phone rang. I noted to them that I HAD to answer this call. So, I stepped outside to answer it. The nurse proceeded to ask me, "What are you doing? Where's Ryan? How are you feeling?" I became so frustrated and said, "Is it good or bad!" She told me I was pregnant!!!! A feeling of calm relief fell over me. I didn't cry or scream. I was mellow. It was going to take a while for all of that stress to fall off my shoulders. She did say that my HCG was 130, which I thought was high. So, I started thinking it could for sure be twins.

While still outside from answering the phone, I called Ryan and mom. I had to go back to my meeting. So, some how, I tried to focus on the meeting for another 30 minutes. By about 2:40p, I was able to send a mass text message to everyone and go run my work errands. While running my errands I called my brother and told him. He informed me that he started getting nervous at 1:45p and had called my mom at 2:01p to see if I knew yet! I think he was just as nervous as me.

Now that I found out I was pregnant, I could breath, but not too deep. We had another blood test on the following Monday. I didn't want to miss any more of work, so I decided to wait until lunch time on Monday to take the second pregnancy test. They were wanting my HCG numbers to have doubled every other day. At 5:10p, I had not received a call yet, so I called the nurse, left her a message. Five minutes later she called back. My HCG numbers had "sky rocketed to 1000!" I was so excited. Maybe this really does mean that it will be twins.

Now, here I am today, just waiting for more pregnancy symptoms and counting down the days until December 18th when we have an ultrasound to see if it's one or two! And I continue to have a daily progesterone shot at 5:30. But, luckily the night sweats have subsided.

Right now I get times where I feel like things are cramping or spazzing in my uterus. My chest is becoming bigger and a bit sore, but not too sore yet. I've gotten queezy a few times, but only during the night. No hurling though. Might I add that my food of choice has been nachos!